The Annual Big G Fast Food Pulled Pork Takedown, Because They Keep Insisting

So last year I choked down a Subway Pulled Pork "sandwich" as my continuing public service provided for our loyal and savvy customers to avoid making the same mistakes as me. It seemed like the fast food giants heard my message and there was a nice long break from their attempts at pulled pork. Until yesterday that is. They are back at it. I innocently drive up to my local Dairy Queen, looking to cash in my son's free ice cream coupon, only to be greeted by another damn fast food pulled pork sandwich. Not again. This time from an ice cream restaurant that barely dabbles in edible burgers. The Dairy Queen is apparently trying to become the Pork King and this just cannot stand.

So of course, I add the $7 sandwich to my free cone and drive away because I have to. "I better be able to write this off", I mumble to myself. Now I know everyone says not to judge a book by it's cover and I should at least give the sandwich a chance. But when the picture they use to advertise it looks this bad, I'm assuming the actual thing will be even worse. It always is. I cannot ignore the fact that there's raw onion and a pretzel bun in the picture used to advertise this thing. Are they for real? I was soon to find out.

So I get home. I take a deep breath and open the "artisan sandwich" box. I am met with the Pretzel bun. They weren't kidding. It looks drier than a popcorn fart stranded in the desert. I can also see some actual raw onion sticking out. They weren't kidding about that either. Now just in case you don't know, onions don't belong anywhere near a pulled pork sandwich unless they are hidden in a coleslaw or if they are deep fried, and even that's up for debate. What it definitely doesn't need is two big rings of raw white onion that completely wash out any discernible flavour that may have existed. After one bite, the onions got tossed back to the box. There was also eight DQ burger pickles, a true BBQ delicacy said no one ever. Tossed those suckers back in the box to join the onions. So now I'm left with a circle of meat, some sauce, and a dry bun. Without the onion and pickles, I notice how little the pile of meat actually is. I grab my trusty pork scale and weigh it out. 50 grams. Yup. 50 grams. I've had cherries bigger than that. The pickles and onions were just a cover for the obvious lack of actual protein. Tsk tsk DQ.

And how did it all taste you ask? Who knows, because all I could taste was the BBQ sauce, which is akin to motor oil and ketchup paired with shame and sadness. From what I was able to gather from the miniscule portion of meat, its a 0/5. No smoke. No flavour. Maybe some onion juice? The bun then sopped up any possible liquid left from the BBQ sauce in order to rehydrate itself. Ultimately I was left with 50 grams of dry pork, a bbq sauce flavoured pretzel bun, and onions and pickles piled high in a box. I made it half way through and ended the experiment with a trip to the garbage can.

So although you might be the Dairy Queen, you are definitely the Pork Jester. I think your tasting department may have some crafty vegan saboteurs who tricked your executive into releasing this sandwich to the public in an effort to damage the pulled pork community. Stop it. I promise not to make ice cream if you promise to stop making pulled pork. Deal?

Until next year!

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